You know whats crazy?

Is when that homesickness feeling really hits you.
My father, mother, and myself were sitting in the living room having a prayer to start our fast for this month, a fast for my dad business, which isn't so subtly going down the drain, for my Aunt Darla for safety on her mission, for my Uncle Tim and his family, among other things. When the talk about our family came into it all, it was a very unexpected feeling that I had. Nothing I'm really used too. I mean, I miss my family and all, and I've realized that I feel at home when I'm with them, no matter the location. But, its just weird. haha. I don't know. Maybe it was the spirit, cause I know that sometimes it can get to us, in pretty emotional ways. I'm horrible when it comes to that, being able to identify the spirit. The only time I'm really positive that I've ever had it with me was when the Tabernacle Choir came and sang for us in our church gym. When they sang 'God Be with you 'till we meet again', it was just absolutely incredible.
I miss my family, and I think I do better if I don't see them for a long time. I've seen them quite often lately and its like an addiction. For the love that I feel when I'm with them. I've never been more blessed thank to have the knowledge of the kind of love our family has.

Just recently, I had my Patriarchal Blessing. There is one paragraph that I'm trying to memorize.
We were talking about my Uncle crash after the blessing, and the Patriarchs only response was looking at me and saying, '"So thats what that meant."' What the heck? Of course I now know what he meant, and its incredible, mind blowing really, for me.

Today was pretty awesome. I saw my friend from Montana. I haven't seen her in a year. She's incredible, you couldn't ask for a better friend. I probably don't show my appretiation that I have for her as much as I should. I don't think I do that for anyone enough.
Something to work on.

Most memorable trip ever...Spring Break 2009-Utah

Below is the essay I had to write for my English Final. Its full of errors in every way possible. But I put my feelings into this like I have never done before. But, that is just about my Uncle Tim's accident. I'm gonna write the events before it and after it. Because you may not think that this could possibly be the best trip ever, after only reading about my point of View of Tim's accident. (This is a pretty long read.)

BEFORE...

Talk about the best phone call ever… I’m sitting there, discussing with my mom if I should go to Utah with my brother and spring break chillin with my Gramps. Sick. Well, that’s what I thought I would do. Then we call Uncle Tim to see if I could stay at his house for a couple days to spend time with his family. Now, I usually don’t pick favorites when it comes to people I care about, but Uncle Tim’s family is by far my most favorite, and don’t get me wrong I do love and respect everyone of my Aunts and Uncles families just the same, its just different when it comes to them, in my mind that is. My moms was talking to him and I was sitting on the floor waiting for the news. News was, that it was spring break there as well and they were going to Moab. I didn’t hear the conversation but I assume he invited me to come along or something, I don’t know, but I do know that I was scheduled to go with them. Sweet.

In order to get to Utah in time to go with them to Moab was rather difficult. The day before we left for Moab, my brother and I left, with my dirt bike in the back of the truck, to San Jose. Wait, San Jose? Yep, five hours in somewhat the opposite direction to a place where my brother had to draw out a job layout thing for work. Then we were gonna drive all the way to Utah, in hopes that we would make it in time. So we left home at about 4ish. The sun rise was incredible. Then Ian tells me he has to drive to a place to meet up with his boss and give him some stuff for work, adding about an hour and half to the trip. Okay, we finally get to the place Ian was supposed to do his layout, he did his thing and we left. About noon-ish now. So we leave get some lunch and get on the right freeway to get us onto the I-80. Somehow, along the way we got onto the wrong freeway/highway/interstate something, we were on the wrong road. We had to go through 40 miles of winding backroads through a little town called Cool, California. It was probably about 3 before we got onto I-80 again. We still hadn’t left California, but we were along the border. Then we hit a snow storm, that one was cool, really majestic. I thought we were doing well on time and so did Ian. We just drove and drove, didn’t stop in Reno like we would usually have done, just skipped a lot of places. We had gotten to Winnemuca at 11:30 P.M. stopped and got a pizza and just kept going. At some point we hit this incredibly large snow storm. That was scary cause it stayed with us all the way to Salt Lake. It was absolutely dreadful for me. I don’t sleep during trips anymore, plane, driving, anything, I won’t sleep unless I have no say in it, I used to but after a nearly tragic experience I won’t anymore. We reached Windover, right on the border at some time early, early in the morning. The snow stormed caused us to dive slower which added hours to the trip. I had mentioned the time change, at the gas station in Windover, something that Ian had completely forgotten about. Great. We got at Tim’s house at about 5AM. I was hyper, I could have stayed awake for hours, but apparently that floor mat and pillow were just too comfortable and I fell asleep within minutes. I had been up for more than 24 hours. I got up an hour and a half later, got dressed, just kind of woke up. I hadn’t been as happy as I was that morning in an extremely long time. We got everything taken care of, loaded up and I met Amy Shelley (awesome person), then we left for Moab. That was a fun trip, stayed awake the entire time as well. We got there, and it was cloudy, just kind of dull, and though everyone was telling me it usually looks so much better and that today it just didn’t look pretty, I thought it all looked pretty spectacular. We met up with the Shelley’s, a family who I had the fantastic opportunity to spend this trip with. We all walked around the shops, chilled at the hotel, ate dinner, then came back that night to all sit and watch Iron Man together…I think I made it about an hour before I curled up into the corner and fell asleep. I was wiped out. I woke up that next morning, watched the sun rise., had breakfast and got ready to go ride. I don’t remember the name of the trail but it took us up to Gemini Bridges. That was an awesome ride. We rode down below Gemini Bridges and then headed back. At the fork Tim got off and asked if I wanted to ride his ATV, ‘Huh? Are you serious?! Duh! Of course! Thanks!” We switched, and rode all the way back. Oh wow, that was awesome. There was a point where I hit a bump and got enough air to make me decide that I shouldn’t be the one to ruin and wreck his newer ATV. So yeah. We went back to the hotel, they went down to the pool, I showered, and took a nap. They came back and after a little bit, we all left to go to diner. After we split up, some went go carting and some went to a movie. Taylor, Tim, Tina, Kenzi, and myself went to the movie ‘KNOWING’. Stupidest movie of all time, though the blaming everything on Aliens was expected, the LDS twist at the end was not. Went to the hotel, fell asleep. Next morning, breakfast, then another ride. We decided to go on Hell’s revenge which obviously is a bit harder ride, so not all of us went, only Brian, Dan, Tim, Taylor, Tina, Kameron, and myself. That was a fun ride, but very draining, it pushed to limits I never thought I could go too. I can’t remember what we did that day after the ride, but I know we didn’t go on another ride, I think we just chilled and played games at the hotel room. Next morning, Saturday, the day we were gonna go home. Right before we met up with the Barrets, another family that lived down there that were invited to join us that day, we went to the store and got some T-shirts. Met the Barrets and all set out to Onion Creek, it was a later start than all the other days because we had packed everything from the hotel and checked out. The drive to Onion creek was so pretty…we had an awesome conversation on the way out about what animal we would be…Llama Taylor. Nice…ha. It had started out great that day, but I guess you can’t have enough of a good thing before it all goes wrong. We unloaded and headed out on the trail. We were about 5 miles out or so before it all happened…..

From Dreamlike to Nightmare

As we grouped up to make sure everyone was ok, I was just happy that I was just here with people I love and doing something that I was in love with doing. Uncle Tim started out after making sure that everyone was doing well. The order we were in was Uncle Tim leading, Kenzi following, me, and then Aunt Tina. I believe Taylor was behind her but I can’t be positive, but all I know was that there were a large number of vehicles and people within our group.

We were at Onion creek. I was already soaked to the bone and muddy from going in and out of all the streams. We had to go through the stream 27 times and then turn around and go through them again in order to get back to the cars. This was an extremely EASY road compared to the trails we had done in the days before.

As Tim looked back to check on us, as he always has done, the most unthinkable thing happened. I remember watching him stand up to see everyone uphill as the road slanted downhill, then he sat down, and then there was a massive cloud of dust. I couldn’t make it stick in my mind what had happened and yet at the same time I knew what happened. I came to a stop right behind Kenzi, as she was getting off her yellow quad and screaming loudly, “DADDY!” It was terrifying. I yelled at her to get back on her quad and stay put. Seconds after he disappeared I realized that it had been a cliff he went off, and there was no way he could have not fallen all the way down. All this happened within seconds. I started running down the hill, we had to run about 100 feet to get to a point where we had to slide down 5 feet at a 70 degree angle, and then run another 10-20 feet to jump down a 4 foot drop off, and then run about 50 feet to get to where Tim was lying. By the time I was to the 5 foot slide I had just taken my backpack off, I had slid down in a somersault. I ran to the drop off and had taken off and thrown my gloves, helmet, and goggles off. Kameron, my cousin, Tim’s son, was a good 20 feet ahead of me by then. The first thing I remember seeing was Tim lying face down in the water. The thoughts that ran through my mind were along the lines of, “he can’t be dead” or “He’s Fine!”, but when that’s the first thing you see, and you put all things into consideration, how could he be just fine?

I watched Kameron flip him over and started dragging Tim out of the water. I got there and got his helmet off as he was coming to. Kameron and I gripped him and pulled out of the water completely. At that moment there was some kind of connection placed over Kameron and I and I could no longer see Kameron as a cousin, but a brother. Tim was groaning and breathing by the time that Tina and Amy Shelley, a family friend that had come along on the trip, reached us. We got word that Jared Barrett, another friend, was going to drive his jeep down to where we were. Brian, Kameron, Tina, Amy, and I had nothing to do but stay there. We let Tina and Amy get everything calmed down while the three of us stood there doing whatever was asked. Then a slight breeze and the smell of gasoline consumed all of our attention. We looked behind us, about 12 feet, and there was his ATV. It was lying on its side, front left tire nearly snapped off. We could smell the gasoline coming out, and we decided that it would be best to flip onto the wheels.

We had no cell reception where we were at, so my cousin Taylor turned around and ran her ATV down to where she met up with Dan Shelley, who during this trip I became very respectful of him, I’m not sure why, but I think very highly of him, as well as his wife Amy. They are two people who I will never forget and even though I met them and knew them for only a couple days, I consider their family, my family. Taylor and Dan eventually got a call out to 911 and headed back.

It was the longest hour and a half of my life, but also the shortest. Within minutes of Jared being down there with his Jeep, he blessed Tim. It’s the one thing that will stick in my mind forever. That feeling, it’s not something that can be explained. Within what seemed a couple minutes of the finish of the blessing Tim was realizing what was happening and the pain was hitting him. And best of all, he was joking around with us.

Tim was the closest thing I had to a dad, if you didn’t count in my own dad. I knew that things were going to be ok. It was amazing to look at how everything was perfect. Where he landed and how unscratched he was. He fell off a 40 foot jagged cliff, landing face down in sand in a stream, between two 10-15 pound rocks, at least 12 feet from his quad. He broke a couple ribs, had lacerations to his spleen and liver. Some damage to his kidney. Some bones were fractured and/or broken in his lower back and he had what they called an Open Book Fracture on his pelvis, and a collapsed lunge. There was no damage to his helmet; he didn’t even have a headache. The only scratch on his body was from his elbow. There was nothing but bruises where his garments were worn.

I stood in the water for the entire time that I could. Not emotionally strong enough to leave his side, to leave two of the most important people in my life, my Uncle Tim and Aunt Tina. So what I did was what was asked of me from Tim, Tina, or Amy. I received jackets to keep him warmer, I helped move him around when he was uncomfortable, I held a shirt up to block the sun out of his face, they asked me anything and I did it. After a while we had some of the kids come over a few at a time to see for themselves that he was perfectly fine. A complete miracle for the fall he had just taken, just absolutely incredible.

Finally the paramedics showed up and I was booted away. And maybe about 30 minutes later they had him on a stretcher, carrying him to the ambulance. Aunt Tina asked me to grab the personal stuff of his left behind. Taylor and Kenzi came over to help. I handed Kenzi the Boots and loaded Taylor up with the Jackets and the clothes cut off from Tim. I packed up the EMT bag left behind and picked up the remaining items left on the ground. One of which was an empty film canister that seemed to be there for a reason, all I know is that it wasn’t there while my Uncle Tim laid there on the ground. So I had that all packed up, and walked to where the rest of the group was. That’s when the helicopter started circling around. It landed and they drove the ambulance near the helicopter so that they didn’t have to carry Tim all the way over.

Then the lady said that family could go over to see him. So Tina told me, Taylor, Kenzi, and Kameron to come along. Unfortunately, and to my disappointment, it was two too many. So I fell behind and the lady allowed the kids to come along. In order to not completely brake down, I had to keep doing something. So I walked down to where Tim was laying and pulled out the empty film canister and filled it with the same dirt that Tim had laid on, knowing that he was wanting to collect dirt from everywhere they had ridden, and knowing that he may want this dirt as well. I don’t know, I just figured.

As I walked back up to the hill, the shock was wearing off and I stood away from the group to watch Tina and my cousins watch Tim carried to the helicopter, I was jealous. I had felt that way when my sister Seona was giving birth to her oldest, Kameron, and my brother Kendon, had his friend in the delivery room, while Seona was about to give birth, and I was in the waiting room, I was the only sibling not in that room. But I was jealous as I watched from behind the scenes, the jealousy was caused from the fact that I was told to stay, when Jared was with the family taking pictures. But I had been told that I couldn’t. Plus, I was trying to be strong and not get them crying again. Then a lady walked past me and stopped and asked if I was with them, I told her yes and she said I could join them. Then I broke down. I couldn’t stand and watch Tim in front of me just fly away without us. How in the world could I stand and watch that and still be strong for the rest of my family. I knew I couldn’t. They lady gave me a hug and told me that they would understand and it would be ok. But though they would understand, I couldn’t let myself do that. They’d been through enough. It was there dad, not mine, after all. I couldn’t let them see this part of me; it wasn’t a part of me that any of them were used to. I wanted to be strong in front of them, to be an anchor they could go to if they needed me, but they had each other I was just a hassle brought along on this trip.

After the helicopter left with Tim to go to Grand Junction, CO we got onto our ATV’s and Dirt Bikes and drove back. Halfway on the way back Kameron, who was leading, stopped, got off his ATV and gave Kenzi a hug. Jealousy hit me in full while I watched this happen, because my brothers would never have done that for me. They would have just told me to suck up and deal with it, “you're fine!” you know. I’ve never had a relationship with my siblings to be anywhere near jealous of. So it was incredible to see that happen in front of my eyes, to see that a brother can’t comfort his sister in a time that is extremely stressful for the both of them. The respect I had for Kameron just kept on growing. We finally got to where we parked to cars. Brian, Kameron and I loaded the ATV’s in the trailer. Grabbed some clothes and left the rest to the Shelley’s and Barretts, the two families who were with us on that trail. We said our goodbye’s, we gave hugs, exchanges some last words, had a prayer for our safety and for some comfort, and then we headed off in the car to Grand Junction.

AFTER

I’d never been to Colorado, it sure is pretty. I wish that the first time I went to Colorado that it had been under a different situation, but it hadn’t. After all this happened I instantly regretted being there because I knew that this was extremely stressful for all of them, and just to have me there, I’m sure wasn’t that helpful. But I really wanted to be there for them all, although I wouldn’t really be much help. I remember Tina telling us that it would really comfort her if we could sing Primary songs. Kenzi started singing a few but none of us joined in because they weren’t really bringing the spirits up. We got to Book of Mormon stories and then a girls camp song, and it kind of died down after that. It was a really short drive and a really long drive too. At some point we started making phone calls to family to let them know what happened, and to fill in the rest of the family. I remember calling my dad, and was surprised at how calm he had taken it, I also remember calling Ian, and remembering how he didn’t even want to hear the whole thing. I was soaked to the bone from my shin down, and I knew that I didn’t have any shoes except for the water logged ones I had on. When we reached the hospital we found out that Tim had been moved from the ER to the ICU, which kind of lifted our spirits. Only two were allowed in at a time, I was the last one in. Walking into that room, and seeing Tim there was a little bit too much for me, and I had walked right out and cried, Taylor and Tim were probably was wondering what was wrong with me. A minute later I walked in again and talked with him. Of course he’s all doped up on drugs, so he felt great, he looked great too, compared to the previous time I had seen him. I gave him a hug, and we all left to go to the hospital home that they have set up for families of patient like us. It was neat. I spent the rest of the weekend sleeping on the floor, I was missing my bed, but I was also coming pretty used to the floor. Saturday was just stressful, when we got there we all took showers then just stayed in the area. I went out and talked to my dad, the called Philip…Philip, you are truly an amazing and incredible friend, there’s no person on this planet like him. Tina had left to stay with Tim, she ended up staying there until about 4AM then came back to the room. I woke up at about 6. We all went to the hospital, then Taylor and I tried to find the Safeway, it took us a while. The street names there are cool, like, 28 ¼ street, that was cool. Ha. We went and got some food then went back to the hospital. Taylor’s phone started dieing so we went back to the room long enough to get it charged, within that time Taylor and I had a conversation that I’ll never forget. See, I really admire Taylor for how incredible she is. I’ll always look up to her. I really enjoyed the conversation, and we shared a lot with each other at that time. We were only planning on staying in the room for about 20 minutes; it ended up being over an hour. We headed back and just watched TV in the lounge, oh, that afternoon Tim had been transferred onto the 2^nd floor, yay! That means all of us could be in the room. Later in the day, Tim’s partner had come from Mesquite where they were vacationing or something to see Tim. That is what I call love. Monday morning rolled in and we knew that we were gonna be leaving that day. Tina had set up a ride for us to get home. That morning EriAnn called me and asked me how to get to the place we were staying, I walked out of the room and explained it to her, they got there and I said hi to Steve, Terri, Tyler and EriAnn, then brought them in and surprised Tina. They really were able to brighten our day. We went to the mall that day. Kameron and I chilled in DEB’S and watched Kenzi and EriAnn try on prom dresses; that was fun. We made it back to the hospital and our ride was there. We all loaded up and got ready to go. Andrea called me…finally, haha, we had spent the previous days playing phone tag, I didn’t really talk much about it all because I was in the car with everyone, it was really nice to talk to her. We stuck the movie Bedtime Stories in and watched that most the way back home. I took pictures, cool. Ha. We got back, took showers and then headed to Amy Cox’s house where we stayed that night, I stayed on the floor, oh well, it didn’t bother me by then. I knew I had to leave the next morning to come back to California, and I really didn’t want to. When we had arrived at Tim’s house the night before I told Kameron that their house is the only place I feel at home. So, I really didn’t want to leave. Tina had stayed at the hospital with Tim, so I had said goodbye to them, but I’m no good at goodbyes. That morning, after all the Cox’s kids left for school, I remember sitting down at the top of the stairs and crying, I had met so many amazing people on this trip that I really didn’t want to leave, its like I had a new family, or family that I had never met before. I love them all. We got to Tim’s house and I waited for my brother Ian to come and pick me up. He did and I said goodbye to my cousins. We left, we stopped at Cabela’s, then left. I hate leaving Utah, and the drive home. I enjoy the trip out because I know what I’m going too, and that I have a strong ‘want’ to be there, and I dread the drive home, ‘cause I know what’s waiting for me there. Home…huh.

I love everyone that I met on this trip, they are as much my family as anyone in my actual family. I love my family very much, I miss you all very much. Stay safe.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.

(After being back in Utah with family for the past couple weeks, I've been able to spend time with my Uncle Tim, Aunt Tina, and all their kids. Its almost awkward. Like, I'm chill with whatever. But, I wonder about them. I've wondered what it was like, in their point of view, having me there during this accident. It's something I think about every single day. I mean...best trip ever. I can't even call it a bad trip. Only because so much good did come out of it. For me, and for my Uncle's family. To see how close they got...and how much it really changed them. I know that it was probably hard to have me tag along after something like this had happened, and I feel bad about it. I just have those thoughts. It is really great being able to see my Uncle walk and drive and do everything on his own...Its just really good. It was definitely a hard month and a half hearing almost nothing about how he was doing. I love this family.)